Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”