As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.