statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.