The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”