Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.