Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes