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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
me after drinking all the wine:
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!