No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
A dad and his duck
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.