I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom