“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.