Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
me when i see my girls butt
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.