My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
They also CAN sing✌️
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]