me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
is this store having a stroke wtf
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”