just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it