Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Bit chilly again tonight.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up