I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Morning my dudes.