Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said