*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You Might Also Like
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.