30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Had to try this trend 😊
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.