The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie