For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.