Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Name this drama.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft