The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
This is my bus stop.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.