Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…