[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’