Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.