Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Woke up against my better judgement again

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”