You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.