If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
That earthquake could have been an email.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard