Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?