*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me too 😆
I’m too immature for adultery.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
never forget
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.