Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.