why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.