One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.