My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
starting a garage orchestra
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.