I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You Might Also Like
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
All. The. Damn. Time.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away