Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Challenge accepted.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.