*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats