*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC