Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Saw your ex at the shops
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away