What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.