Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”