If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.