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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
me doing my best
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with