girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭