“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
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WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.