If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator