I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Happy birthday to all the women
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?