When I can’t barge, I careen.
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not