“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…